世界盃足球賽雖然已經結束﹐但有問題彆在心裡太久﹐像壓力鍋再不掀蓋子﹐可能會出人命也不一定。我的問題是﹕足球有什麼好看的﹖為什麼世界杯讓那麼多人瘋狂﹖
也許有人會說﹕你這不是明知山有虎﹐偏向虎山行嗎﹖君不見世界杯比賽時﹐人不分男女老幼﹐地不問東西南北﹐都使盡了吃奶的氣力在加油嗎﹖你幹嘛要問這樣沒水平的問題﹖吃飽飯沒事幹﹖你沒看到北韓(朝鮮)那個球員﹐還沒開賽就激動得淚流滿面﹐你難道看了之後不感動嗎﹖
大佬﹐有冇搞錯﹖那個高麗棒子淚流滿面是流給他「親愛領袖」看的。說到這裡﹐容掌門人打個岔﹐插播一段政治評論。朝鮮那國家﹐什麼人不好學﹐專喜歡學 50 年代的蘇聯老大哥。那時蘇聯的兩大報是「真理報」和「自由報」﹐結果鬧成「真理報沒真理﹐自由報沒自由」的笑話。朝鮮「偉大領袖不偉大﹐親愛領袖不親愛」。下一個是什麼領袖﹐我們拭目以待。現在回到足球。
什麼球我都玩過﹐大的如籃球﹐小的如網球。重的如保齡球﹐輕的如乒乓球。從想當年彈子房裡醉翁之意不在撞球﹐到如今路線時左時右的小白球。球藝雖然水皮﹐但從街上閉著眼睛亂抓一個 LKK 來和我比劃比劃﹐能贏我的人也不會太多(別忘了抓的是 LKK)。但我這生中從沒碰過足球﹐足球者﹐「傻客」(soccer)也 。以下是我的理由﹕
第一﹐足球是違反自然律的運動 -- 上帝造人有腳的目的有三個﹕走路﹐跳舞和踢人家的屁股(掌門人每年年終頒鐵鼓(踢股)獎﹐乃是順從上帝的旨意)。所有的球幾乎全是用手來玩﹐所以才會有「得心應手」的成語。只有足球偏要用腳來玩﹐這不是違反自然律嗎﹖難怪一場球踢下來﹐很少有叫人嘆為觀止﹐「得心應腳」的精彩鏡頭。既然「傻客」是違反自然律的運動﹐於是下面的問題就衍生出來了。
第二﹐足球是很浪費體力的運動 -- 得分是檢驗球賽精彩與否的唯一標準。大多數的球賽都是比誰的得分高﹐只有「高而富」球邪門﹐桿數越低越神勇。比高比低﹐總是要得分才行啊﹐足球不但得分奇低﹐能破鴨蛋就謝天謝地了。把這次世界杯各場比賽的得分攤在桌子上來看﹐ 0 比0﹐1 比1, 1 比0 的結局比比皆是。這算那門子的比賽嘛﹖如果要我用8 個字來形容足球﹐我的 8 字真言是「跑上跑下﹐徒勞無功」。不過我得承認﹐跑上跑下的確需要點體力﹐人不吃大力丸﹐恐怕沒資格踢足球。
第三﹐足球是缺乏戲劇性的運動 -- 我說「缺乏」戲劇性﹐我沒說「沒有」戲劇性。這次世界杯丹麥隊球員把球踢到隊友背上﹐彈進自家球門。巴西隊把球給頂進自家球門。前者運氣說有多「背」就有多「背」。後者可謂霉氣當「頭」。如果類似烏龍多些﹐我對「傻客」的興趣一定大增。看籃球比賽﹐我們往往只要看最後三分鐘﹐因為勝敗的關鍵常常要到最後三分鐘才知道鹿死誰手(Again, 是鹿死誰手而不是鹿死誰腳)。足球正好相反﹐如果我方領先一分﹐不要說最後三分鐘﹐就是最後30 分鐘我也要把所有的球員調回後方來防守。不求自家得分﹐只求不讓對方得分。這種比賽有什麼好看﹖
最後﹐足球是場外比場內危險的運動-- 這話怎講呢﹖大家想想看﹐什麼球賽曾經發生球台垮掉壓死人﹐觀眾暴動打死人的事﹖難道不是足球比賽嗎﹖足球是世界上最普遍的一種運動﹐原因有二﹕第一﹐世界盃是國與國的比賽﹐贏輸和國家榮辱有關。第二﹐足球只要一塊空地和一個球就可以搞惦﹐不像其他球類需要室內場地和特別設備。足球是普羅階級的運動﹐普羅階級是不是比較愛國﹐比較熱情我不敢亂猜。籃球有球員衝上觀眾席揍人﹐看福特總統打「高而富」被他小白球打中腦袋的事不是沒有﹐但鬧出人命的只有足球。
尤其是這次世界杯在南非比賽﹐南非人來瘋﹐搞出一個塑膠大喇叭的噪音加油方式。傻客滿天下﹐放眼四顧﹐都是會「魔音入腦」的魔教教主﹐這叫我這個掌門人怎麼能不甘拜下風呢﹖
懷南補記﹕這篇文章恐怕會不為喜歡足球的朋友所喜。不為所喜沒關係﹐我真的是很想知道喜歡看足球的朋友心平氣和的告訴我﹐你們喜歡足球的理由在那裡。那麼多人迷足球﹐包括鄧小平﹐其中總有點原因吧﹖掌門人以一顆樂意受教的心﹐恭候您的指教。
一般說起來﹐球越小﹐老中越靈光。如果這個理論正確﹐老中下一個有希望在世界錦標賽中出人頭地的是高爾夫和網球。事實上﹐這兩種球目前老中的女子選手表現的不錯。說到這裡﹐我又想起我那個老問題﹕
古今中外什麼有名的「家」﹐如藝術家﹐文學家﹐科學家﹐運動家﹐醫學家﹐經濟學家 。。。 男的女的都有﹐但歷史上就是沒有有名的女性哲學家和有名的女性古典音樂作曲家。為什麼﹖我當然有我的看法﹐但我很想聽聽閣下﹐尤其是女性朋友的高見(低見也無妨)。
我的《西行雜記》從下星期開始。《傻客滿天下》這篇文章是我早就寫好的。另外一個英文字發音也是「傻客」。在這篇文章的標題上我動了一點小手腳﹐開世人玩笑﹐在此謝過﹐別太介意。
懷南補補記 (8/5/10)﹕ 收到幾封讀者來信﹐非常精彩。豈能不和諸君共享之。根據慣例﹐藍色為掌門人回信(應)。
大毛兄，
傻客滿天下，你我除外。
從來不覺得足球有啥娛樂性，九十分鐘踢下來，經常零比零。不過純以運動而言，可能是運動量最大者之一。我幼染肺結核，十一歲還是東亞小病夫一個，足球讓我強壯起來。七八十個小蘿蔔頭在足球場上亂衝，爭搶一個皮球，就因為用腳控球不易，所以大家都有機會碰到球。幾十分鐘下來，一身臭汗，累得半死，飲水如牛。回到家，飯量大增，吃啥都香，睡覺似豬，身體就如此好起來。
不過老兄這次可能又捅翻馬蜂窩也(上次好像是說高而富不算啥運動，為跳不高、跑不快、射不準的老白設計的運動。鄙人完全同意)！
楊小毛
楊兄﹕
什麼大毛小毛亂叫一氣﹐掌門人還能混嗎﹖說到傻客滿天下，你我除外﹐那也未必。請看下面這封信。
懷南敬覆 8/5/10
Dear Bob,
I too, like you, have played many kinds of balls; and I totally agree with your three points to dismiss soccer as an uninteresting game - at least boring most of the time. But I'd like to add two more points: first, to be a good soccer player, you have to use the head to knock the ball a lot, and the human head is too precious to be used in such a stupid and dangerous routine. Second, because the score is usually very low (especially for professional games), even one single bad (or biased) call (which occurred many times even at World Cup events owing to their incredible stupidity in refusing to use TV replay and other available technology to correct human error) by the referee could likely flip the outcome. Therefore, the game outcome depends too heavily on referee's unreliable judgment.
Huan
Dear Huan:
我倒是真的忘了這兩點﹐謝謝一言提醒夢中人。玩足球先要練鐵頭功的確是件傷腦筋的事 (yes, pun intended)。這樣一想﹐我用傻客 (sucker) 滿天下來作標題﹐也許還有點醫學上的科學根據。多謝指點﹐懷南拜謝。此覆。
Dear HN:
你問﹕“歷史上就是沒有有名的女性哲學家和有名的女性古典音樂作曲家。為什麼﹖”試答之﹕
1﹐哲學家是婚姻不幸福的男人的專利。
2﹐古典音樂是男作曲家寫來獻給他的女情人的(當然男情人也有)。
正在培養哲學家和作曲家的女人
Dear 培養家﹕
謝謝您對人類偉大的貢獻。培養的進展和成果﹐也請隨時告知。
懷南敬覆 8/5/10
是環境的問題 8/09/10
台灣因接近日本, 所以對棒球狂熱香港受英國影響, 所以迷足球的多就等於美式足球, 我卅年前看不懂, 如今一樣看不出它有什麼好.足球現在因為職業球開始"全球化", 球星們都到處加盟當外援,教練也是全球到處跑, 不要說以往德國, 意大利, 巴西, 荷蘭的風格不見了就連歐洲隊, 南美隊, 非洲隊都愈來愈差異不大了.
足球看的是隊型, 球員之間的默契合作, 個別球星的腳法, 反而是較次.現在因各國國家隊, 都是國際賽前幾個月才球員歸隊集訓成軍,沒有了平日合拍合作的機會, 故而再沒有之前那種整隊一同體的陣勢.現在的世界盃, 恐怕很難有比利, 羅斯, 馬勒當那那些精彩.這次我好像都看不到有誰踢過"倒掛金鉤", 凌空飛射的鏡頭..
女性不管在西歐還是中國, 在那文藝復興乃至是中國學術發達的年代,都是處於男尊女卑的黑暗時代. 像加拿大, 女性唸醫, 唸法律, 參政,都是百年多前的事. 在希臘, 意大利這些"老歐洲"源頭的國家,女性跟中國的完全一樣, 都是負責家務事, 生孩子. (真的很不約而同), 那沒有知識, 沒有時間, 社會不主張不鼓勵,女性能有什麼發展? 看看舞蹈家鄧肯, 她的成功是多少付出換來? 而且, 女性感性, 重愛情. 有多少女性會放棄情郎丈夫去作學術追求?女性追求每每是家庭事業兼顧, 要兩者取其一時, 多是放棄事業, 以家庭為首選.而社會對女性從前有"婚姻"的壓力, 能頂得住社會家庭壓力不婚的,又有幾人?
總之呀, 為什麼出不了? 不就是全都花精神照顧你們這些大老爺們嘍.不然怎會說, 成功男士背後必定有兩個偉大女性?卻絕少有兩個男性願意當成功女性背後的"跟得公爵""愛盯寶公爵"
萬流歸宗﹐都是亞當的錯。
懷南敬覆 8/10/10
Dear Xinbuxin,
Thank you for reminding us of the additional 懷南補記. This is my comment to your essay & some of the comments from your readers. Text in red is the comment from your reader.
It is quite true that soccer is boring most of the time. No wonder most Americans don't like it. It is boring because it is very hard to score. Soccer game tries to discourage tricky attack. It creates a rule called "offsite". In other words, the attackers can't get the ball while he is ahead the defender. He must maneuver the ball passing the defender to score. This is just opposite to the basketball. Most of the basketball scores are achieved by passing over the defenders. No wonder the scores of basketball usually are over 100. Any sport with low scoring usually is boring except golf. Why? People get the excitement from the scoring. After all, that is the factor to decide which team is better. What does a score of 0:0 prove? Nothing but boring.
Heading is essential to the soccer. It is the only way to score when the ball is high above the human height. If there is no heading, soccer will be even more boring. It is very rare to injure your head by heading balls. It is head to head collision that hurts. The heading is a rare occasion people use their heads mentally & physically at the same time to achieve something. Soccer can be unique just because of this.
It is not wise for FIFA not use the help of high tech device. I think in a critical decision that affect the score that referee may have doubts should be a legitimate occasion to use the video replay. One good example is the match between England & Germany. The ball stroke the beam so fast, it is very hard for referee to see the exact point of the ball hitting the ground. But it is obvious to most people after watching the replay on TV. How could the referee miss it? The answer is speed of the ball & angle of the view from the referee. The following clip from the YouTube shows the exact spot (0:34:0:42) of the ball hitting the ground: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=105630252
“這次我好像都看不到有誰踢過"倒掛金鉤", 凌空飛射的鏡頭” It might be true that no player did the ‘reverse scissors kick’ & scored successfully. The closest one was a chest-high kick by Diego Forlan of Uraguey. This kick actually is a variation of scissors kick without jumping from the ground. But it is just as powerful & effective. Take a look at this clip from YouTube: http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=105804758
Diego Forlan got the pass from his teammate, followed with a chest-high kick (from high to low) & ball reflected from the ground to the goal magically. The ball was so fast that the goalie (keeper) didn't even react or move. You have to watch the beautiful pass (0:50-0:55) & this fantastic goal-strike (0:56-1:05) to appreciate the skill of the players. The pass is skillful, clever, & smooth. The half-scissors kick has a quality of ballet dance. Life has up time & down time. Life has bright side & dark side. It is precious to pick up & see the bright & up side of human being once in a while to appreciate the life. I think this is one of the occasions when we see this clip (0:50-1:05).
“看看舞蹈家鄧肯, 她的成功是多少付出換來?” Isadora Duncan was born in San Francisco & raised in a broken family. She developed her unique dancing style. She was truly a survivor & just as good & great like men. However, she was a dancer, not a composer or philosopher you are referring to.
"社會不主張不鼓勵,女性能有什麼發展?" It may worth to mention that Fanny Mendelssohn was just as good & talented as her brother Felix. But her family decided to give the opportunity & support to Felix & discouraged her in further pursuit of music.
“哲學家是婚姻不幸福的男人的專利” This is well said, very & almost close to the truth.
“古典音樂是男作曲家寫來獻給他的女情人的” This is not completely true, although it is close to the truth. Symphonie Fantastique by Hector Berioz is one good & striking example.
“總之呀, 為什麼出不了? 不就是全都花精神照顧你們這些大老爺們嘍.不然怎會說, 成功男士背後必定有兩個偉大女性? 卻絕少有兩個男性願意當成功女性背後的"跟得公爵""愛盯寶公爵"” This comment is interesting, funny & to the point with humor. It is always nice to know someone said something much better than we do.
Mark 8/14/10
Dear Mark,
Yes indeed! Its a columnist's delight to see quality feedback such as yours (and other's). Thank to your letter, I've learned a lot about soccer. As you might already know, I wrote that soccer essay with my tongue-in-cheek in order to poke fun of the soccer fans in the world, Seriously, as long as they enjoy the game and having fun watch it, I'd say more power to them. I am in no position to really look down them or to bad mouth them. Since there are quite a few people who agree with me on this issue, I'd like to take this opportunity to make my point clear -- I don't watch soccer, but it doesn't mean you should not enjoy watch it. Thanks for writing.
懷南敬覆 8/15/10